Fascination with Bugs

Fascination with Bugs
that day was pivotal, a real turning point.
i was done, washed up and finished
with life. at an al anon they passed
around their favorite bookmark,
Just for Today, it says
Just for Today this and Just for Today
that. went around the room, each ovus
makes one up for that moment.
my turn came, i said just for today
i am done with it.
after outside i stood by a manicured bush smoking.
movement over to the side i turned my eyes,
was a cricket.
or was it?
i got closer to examine the insect.
its sure what i wld think looked like a cricket.
i had never seen the insects, but in turns
they soothed or irritated me, their incessant
rubbing. just that morning id cursed the gods,
goddamnit! you damn crickets! you bugs
show yr damned selves.
one of the women actually close to my own
age came out. (most are older than my mother).
she also smoked Spirits. once they told me i shld
choose a sponsor who is the mother i always
wanted but i settled on a carbon-buddhist version
of my real grandma. is that bug a cricket? i showed her.
yeah. but you're sure? she raised her eyebrows,
mockingly. its a cricket alright.
a bus pulled up filled with children.
they were five or six, excited from the ride.
a woman perhaps in charge of the children
came over in an almost panic. you cant do that
here! she said, emphatic, what, i thot? such a ditz,
look at bugs?
we'll move the al anoner told her.
she smiled and rolled her hazel eyes a bit.
she knew i wasnt sure, so she said, smoke nazi.
i looked back. the cricket was still there
but did not hold my fascination.